.jpg)
Hello everyone. I apologize for the lack of posts lately, I have been out of the country for the past few days on important business matters, as you will hear about shortly. As a public company it is important that 100 Grand on My Wrist maintain a high level of transparency and honesty with its shareholders and thus from time to time we make sure to publish a transcript of the company's quarterly meetings here on the blog for the public to review. Click here for part 1 and here for part 2 if you would like to read previous quarterly transcripts.
(Meeting conducted on 03/18/13 at 100 Grand on My Wrist HQ in Bogota, CA)
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Alright everyone, we have got a lot of business to tend to this morning, so let's get this meeting started! Thomas is not able to join us today because of the current labor disputes in Bangladesh.
Lionel Evenings,Chief Financial Officer: Do you know what the labor disputes entail?
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Something about indentured servitude not being ok in the 21st century. I thought we wouldn't have to deal with this mess by exploiting a third world country's labor force but Noooooo.
Steve Murphy, Regional Business Manager: Dang liberals! What's next, they are going to take away my right to kill exotic animals for sport?
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Regardless, I believe we should take this opportunity to discuss one of our new hires before he gets here. I am talking about our new Associate Functionality Strategist, Tony Lilac. I believe he has been doing an excellent job, personally. Thoughts?
Stephen Strokes, Network Administrator: Yeah actually Tony has been doing a great job here, he has been very efficient with his time and helped streamline our current filing system... If I may speak candidly, the only problem with him is his excessive use of dated pop culture references...
*Tony Lilac enters room*
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: Hey guys, WASUUUUP? Haha gotta love that commercial.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Oh hi Tony. Please have a seat.
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: Ok, but first can I ask everyone here a very serious question?
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Alright, sure.
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: Who let the dogs out? WHO? WHO? WHO WHO? Haha great song, am I right guys?
*Collective sigh*
Henry Marbury, Global Assurance Representative: Hi guys, listen I hate to just jump in here, but I have been working 80 hour weeks for the past two months putting together my report on how we can use our CRM data to reach renewal quotas while slashing expense claims by 20%. Do you mind if I share this information with everyone?
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Wow, how rude!
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: I'm trying to think of a way in which you could act more crude and ignorant of basic human decency right now and drawing a complete blank.
Henry Marbury, Global Assurance Representative: Oh hey listen, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm just really excited to share this project I have been working on so hard for the company!
![]()
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Well you know what Henry? You can take that fucking report and throw it in a Goddamn fire...because you're fired! After this meeting I want you out of here. Maybe you can learn how to not interrupt us adults for your next job.
Henry Marbury, Global Assurance Representative: Why do you guys hate me so much? I work so hard for the company...oh my God I feel like I'm dying on the inside.
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Gettin' real tired of your complaining, Henry. After this meeting I want you to clear out your cubicle and scram.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Anyways, as you all know, we have hired a few new employees since we last gathered toghether and asked each of them to work on a special project for this meeting. So let's start with *looks at paper* ...err, Blaze?! Sorry, I don't have a last name here.
Blaze, Corporate Initiation Associate: It's just Blaze. No last name.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Alright, Blaze. So please share with us your quarterly projections for the 100 Grand on My Wrist company.
Blaze, Corporate Initiation Associate: You want to see my quarterly projections? Is that what you want to see? Well guess what? I DIDN'T DO THEM. Do you know why?
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: No Blaze, why?
Blaze, Corporate Initiation Associate: Because I seriously DON'T CARE about your corporate BULLSHIT. *Storms out of the room, gets on his Harley with no helmet, and rides off*
Julius Phlegm, Human Resources Manager: Oh don't mind Blaze, he's the bad boy of the group. Everything from his sunglasses to his goatee screams "rebel." Luckily he's balanced out by Jeff, who is the sensitive one.
*Jeff shoots everyone a shy, yet sultry look*
Julius Phlegm, Human Resources Manager: He's been through a lot and has had his heart broken more than once, but he is finally ready to start looking for love again.
Jeff Litrell, Global Data Designer: Would anyone like to share some tea with me? I know it's silly, but tea has always comforted me and...I hope one day maybe I can be the one to comfort you *shoots another sultry look*.
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Damnit Julius! You can't keep hiring people as if this company is a boy band.
Brad Stone, Assistant Creative Director: Wow Julius, you are the biggest homo ever. You're just hiring all these dudes who you secretly want to bone.
Julius Phlegm, Human Resources Manager: You're calling ME gay, Brad?!?! You're the one who wears Diesel bell bottom jeans on casual Friday.
Brad Stone, Assistant Creative Director: THEY'RE CALLED BOOT CUT JEANS, JULIUS, YOU FUCKING SHIT HEAD.
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: Whoa hey, it looks like everyone needs to relax a bit here. Why don't I tell a joke to lighten up the mood.
Brad Stone, Assistant Creative Director: FINE. But just a heads up, if it isn't about dicks then Julius probably isn't interested.
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
Julius Phlegm, Human Resources Manager: Huh?
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: They both say insert Bill here! Hahaha, get it?!?
Tim Mullen, External Services Coordinator: Haha I kind of like that one! What else you got, Tony?
Tony Lilac, Associate Funcionality Strategist: What does O.J. Simpson have in common with a box of fireworks? They both can kill people, but we let them off anyway!
Tim Mullen, External Services Coordinator: O.J. was innocent, you racist piece of shit. Why don't you sit down and not talk again, you probably have to save your voice for tonight's Klan meeting anyways.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Well moving on. Once again the writing on 100 Grand on My Wrist has been deteriorating quite a bit. Thomas is so afraid of sounding pretentious in his writings that he has oversimplified his musical analysis to the point of repeatedly recycling phrases such as "I like it a lot," "this song goes hard" and "this is a good song." That simply won't cut it! We need some fresh writers to bring in a more thoughtful and creative voice to the blog.
Paul Stokes, Network Administrator: I have the solution! Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you to Gloria. She is a feminist social blogger, who has a fresh perspective on Bay Area rap for this blog.
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Yes hello, it is I.
Paul Stokes, Network Administrator: Hey Gloria, do you mind sharing with everyone your review of that Mitchy Slick and DJ Fresh song I sent you.
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Yes:
Mitchy Slick "Feet Match the Paint"
It is time to take a stand against the disparities that all women face who do not fit into society's narrow view of beauty. Size discrimination is the most pressing issue we as women face today as all forms of media continue to scorn and mock those who are overweight. Did you know that fewer than 5% of the female population has a supermodel figure? It is important that we put forth a positive body image so that women all around the world can learn to love their body. End fat opression now!
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: ...Gloria that had absolutely nothing to do with the song you were supposed to write about or even rap music in general.
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Well excuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUu se me for not conforming to your oppressive male standards. While I would not mind writing about how hip hop music is an explicit expression of rage and psychological pain minorities have endured due to white oppression, I think my time would be better spent focusing on real issues.
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Ok Gloria. I don't really see how you can offer anything productive to this company. Do you have anything else to contribute to this meeting?
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Everyone look at this moving image:
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Wow such a powerful message. Very profound commentary on our culture of slut shaming and sexist double standards.
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Oh wow, a woman wrote slut on a piece of paper. Why don't I write "Manwhore" on a piece of paper so that we can all commend my bravery. Let me get to work on that right now.
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Check your privilege. You grew up a rich white male with everything handed to you on a silver platter. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to experience male oppression on a daily basis?
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: Hey dumbshit, you are white too. Being a white male does not give you exclusive access to success and happiness. Just look at Henry, he is a miserable worthless piece of shit.
Henry Marbury, Global Assurance Representative: Hey!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Haha good stuff Lionel!
Calvin! Let's turn to you real quick. You always come to the meetings with some great ideas. What do you have for us today?
Calvin Hardaway, Domestic Information Associate: Umm...errr....content marketing...initiative...blogging. *long pause* ...and social media for business.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: That's great Calvin, you get a BIG raise! Good job!
Calvin Hardaway, Domestic Information Associate: YAAYYY!!!
Pam Hollingston, Accounts Payable: Sir, we cannot afford a raise for him.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Haha oh I wouldn't worry about it. We just pay him in Ritz crackers. He doesn't actually do anything here except eat expired food in the break room.
Pam Hollingston, Accounts Payable: Oh I see.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Pam! I forgot you were even here. How come Brad hasn't made any inappropriate gestures or remarks towards you the entire meeting? That's not like him.
Brad Stone, Assistant Creative Director: Umm...no comment boss.
Pam Hollingston, Accounts Payable: I convinced him last week that my vagina has teeth.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Excellent work Pam! That's some great creative thinking right there. If we could get that outside-the-box thinking for building our product portfolios and meeting our annual contract values then this company would take off.
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: Ummm can we talk about some serious issues here, like cyberbullying?!?!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Holy crap why are you still here, Gloria?!?!
Gloria Adams, Social Justice Blogger: I'm not leaving until this company considers opening an "All Gender Restroom."
![]()
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: That sign literally makes no sense. Like what are these people supposed to represent? People with a wide stance and open arms are allowed in the bathroom? Guys, policy standards have changed a lot over the years and numbers really dipped last quarter across the board, we need real solutions!
Paul Stokes, Network Administrator: What about this cool venn diagram:
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: That sign literally makes no sense. Like what are these people supposed to represent? People with a wide stance and open arms are allowed in the bathroom? Guys, policy standards have changed a lot over the years and numbers really dipped last quarter across the board, we need real solutions!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: That doesn't really make any sense either. What does "position" mean in that context and how can this help the 100 Grand on My Wrist company?
Paul Stokes, Network Administrator: You got me there, I just googled "blog business" and that picture popped up.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: I appreciate the effort Paul. Steve, you haven't said much in this meeting and you look as if you are brimming with excitement. Do you have something to share with us?
Steve Murphy, Regional Business Manager: Yes, I do! The executives here are always talking about how 100 Grand needs to rebrand its image and expand market appeal to a younger segment, specifically people that are 16-25 years old. Well, my friends, I have the perfect solution: in order to connect with this demographic, everyone in the office should start wearing a sneaker on one foot and a formal shoe on the other foot!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Huh?
Steve Murphy, Regional Business Manager: Here check out my feet:
Steve Murphy, Regional Business Manager: I currently embody the perfect combination of business formality and hip, young coolness that the kids are all about!
Lionel Evenings, Chief Financial Officer: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard...That idea is almost as retarded as Calvin Hardaway.
Calvin Hardaway, Domestic Information Associate: Rock and Roll!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Calvin, why don't you go eat the two-week-old egg salad sandwich in the back of the break room fridge.
Calvin Hardaway, Domestic Information Associate: BACK TO WORK *Runs out of the room with purpose*.
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: All this food talk has got me craving some delicious fish tacos. Henry, you can have your pathetic job back if you go buy fish tacos for everyone in the office right now.
Henry Marbury, Global Assurance Representative: Yes...of course! I will get right on it boss! Thank you so much for the opportunity to continue working for this company!
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: No one likes a brown-noser, Henry. Meeting adjourned. Great work everyone!
Tony Lilac, Associate Functionality Strategist: Whoomp there it is!
Christ Kirkpatrick of 'N Sync: Hey everyone, it's me: Chris Kirkpatrick of 'N Sync! Sorry I'm late for the meeting! I've got a great presentation for you guys! Thanks so much to Julius Phlegm for hiring me! Where's Jeff and Blaze to sing with?
Joseph Bath, Vice Executive Chairman of Marketing: Dang it Julius!
